23 Words

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Mother’s Day. What springs to your mind when I say that? Brunch? Flowers? Perhaps a huge family gathering with Hallmark cards and candies?

Not me. I think of a few words that made everything wonderful. 23 words, to be exact.

Words are so powerful. We have millions of them, different sounds in different languages, and depending on how they are aligned, they send different messages. Candies, cards and brunches are lovely. But a few words, whispered or shared in a particular way, can make everything in your world better.

6:15 am, I rolled over in bed to hear my cell phone making sounds. When Jaime sends me a text using What’s App (http://www.whatsapp.com/) from Austria, I know it’s her. And I’m smiling before I even open my eyes. I struggle to find my glasses and position the phone so I can read those tiny words…”Mom, let’s Skype as soon as you get up”. So up I get, coffee is on, and I settle into the chair to Skype with my wee one. We talk about her work, my work, the dogs, soccer, more soccer, Alex Ferguson and Man U, more soccer, and my summer trip. One hour, then somehow two hours pass. My bum is sore from the hard chair, and I’m hungry and ready to eat. So as I get ready to finish our conversation, she says the first 11 words of the day that make my heart stand still: “Mom, I wish I could spend the day with you today”.

Jaime and the love of her life.

Jaime and the love of her life.

Just 11 little words. Nothing fancy, long or detailed. We’d shared many more over the past 2 hours. But those 11 words had me grinning ear to ear, and all teared up.

Then Rory leaves a message to tell me he’s on his way home. I had thought he was visiting friends north of me, and was on his way down to my house. Then another phone call and he tells me he’s close to the Grange Sideroad. The Grange is south of me. What you need to know is that Rory’s sense of direction is, well, unusual. North, south, east and west don’t really compute for him. When he was younger, I used to send Jaime with him to do errands. Jaime was born with an innate sense of direction, and she could always find her way home. If they were together, I didn’t have to worry. But without his Jaime or GPS, no one can be sure where Rory will end up!

So why was he south of me when he was coming from the north? Apparently he didn’t go to Tottenham, and was coming up from Toronto. Well, why are you doing that, I asked? Then came the rest of the important words: “Because I just want to spend the whole day with you, Mom”.

Rory and his two lady loves!

Rory and his two lady loves!

12 words. Nothing more. No flowers, no chocolates, no brunch reservations. But nothing, absolutely nothing could mean more to me that those words.

Words have been known to incite war, to calm a crying baby, to effect change anywhere and everywhere. Words can wound or heal, they can delight or damage. At home, at work, words, both written or uttered, are the cornerstones of our communication. The way they are organized or the way they are spoken influences their meaning. The words of Gandhi, of the Dalai Lama, Martin Luther King, and so many others echo in our collective minds with stories of peace, hope and love.

But it is those 23 individual words from my daughter and from my son that light up my life. They could have celebrated Mother’s Day with gifts of flowers and food. Instead, they lit up my life from within, giving me their gift of words. Today, when you are talking, remember how powerful and packed with meaning your words may be. Choose them carefully, so that your intended message is clear and definitive.

If you hear something like my 23 words, consider yourself blessed.

Give “it” enough energy!

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The internet was out again. No worries, I just have to head upstairs, unplug and replug the router. I get upstairs, but realize I’m a bit peckish so I turn into the kitchen. A handful of nuts and a cup of tea later, I’m halfway back down the stairs before I realize I can’t remember why I came upstairs in the first place.

Sound familiar? I used to think it was old age, and my brain was slowing down. Perhaps it is because my brain is too full and there isn’t enough room for trivial things. But the truth is simply this: when I realized I needed to go upstairs, I just pushed my chair back and went upstairs, and my energy of thought switched from the internet to simply going up the stairs.

Which makes me laugh because just 2 weeks ago, I did a workshop with about 10 people and I had their names memorized within the first 10 minutes. Why can I remember all those names but not why I went upstairs?

Simple. When I listened to each person introduce themselves, I focused on each of them. I made a conscious choice to listen and I expended energy doing it. I focused energy by listening, wrote each name down in my book and eventually said their name out loud. So all in all, I listened, transcribed and spoke. I had to commit all that energy to learn their names.

When I went upstairs, I stopped thinking about why and my mind wandered to other things. There are a dozen e mails to answer, gotta vacuum the stairs, I should brush those dogs, I wonder how Eleanor’s Mom is doing….my brain was juggling all sorts of ideas and images, and the priority item of fixing the internet didn’t receive enough energy or focus, so I forgot about it.

Continual Partial Attention (CPA), a phrase coined by Linda Stone (http://lindastone.net/qa/continuous-partial-attention) describes how many of us think today. We want to connect with everything and not miss anything. We are constantly shifting thoughts and ideas around in our heads like shells in a shell game. On top of that, we are using our computers and cell phones, constantly checking e mails and text messages, and we are on hyper-alert to possibilities. We are living in an age of interruption. As a result, nothing gets our complete attention – we pay partial attention to a million things.

Sheila and CPA - listening, writing and reading. (But I bet she remembered everything!)

Sheila and CPA – listening, writing and reading. (But I bet she remembered everything!)

Yet I know, when I pay complete attention and give something the energy it requires, I learn more, experience more, and ultimately appreciate it more. When I turn my attention to those individuals in my workshop, I learned not just their names, but their values and priorities, something that will help me to work better with them. When I focus my energy on the task at hand, be it a briefing note, learning names in a workshop, planning a training session, or even learning a new fiddle tune, I am startlingly more successful when I commit sufficient energy and give my complete attention.

It’s not just our work that will benefit from giving something complete attention by committing enough energy to it. Next time you’re talking or listening to a colleague or a loved one, focus your energy on them, and not on the thousand other details zinging around in your head. Really concentrate and commit your energy to the conversation. You will both appreciate the effort and be happier for it.

My lesson from this? I can memorize anything, if put my energy into doing it. I can write a great briefing note/strategy/workshop outline, etc. if I put my energy into doing just that. I can develop and keep wonderful relationships, too, if I use energy to focus on them.

Logan and Susan, our complete attention on the Pooh stick we threw in the Cowichan river.

Susan and Logan, our complete attention on the Pooh stick we threw in the Cowichan river.

Now, if I could just remember why I came upstairs again!!!

Phantom pain and the scent of pine

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I’ve been working pretty hard and the to-do list on my desk is a bit overwhelming. Time for a run. I suit up and head out the front door. The first part of any run from home involves a bit of trail running, so I have to focus carefully on where I step. But once I get out on the road, my mind wanders and I think about other things.

I was flying up Escarpment hill, and an unbidden cacophony of scattered  “to-dos” dance around in my head – gotta finish writing up workshop results, do a briefing note – who reads them anyway? – plan for the team training initiative – who will be there? upgrade the latest strategy…OMG!

PAIN! Lightning bolts of agony below my left knee cause me to stumble and sway, like the theatrical soccer player who flings himself on the ground when he stubs his toe, as Merebeth well knows! I’m cursing out loud, angry and helpless.

I am so stupid. Yet again, I let the stress of work take over my life, and my body’s reaction is one of extreme, phantom pain. When I broke my leg years ago, I had all sorts of metal inserted and screwed into my bones. Over time, as my leg healed, most of the titanium has been removed. But I find when I am under stress, I get phantom pain in my leg where the screws used to be. Each time it happens, it is related directly to my own state of mind, and I have learned I can make it stop very quickly, if I can reduce my stress.

LIttle scars below my knee mark the history of titanium screws in my leg.

Little scars below my knee mark the history of titanium screws in my leg.

According to Mika Nagel, Studio Director at Chopra Yoga Centre (and I imagine according to most practitioners who deal with this topic), stress is a choice. Rather than value and savour the moments I was spending running, I had chosen to think about my workload. My body’s reaction was one that forced me to stop experiencing the stress and focus on something else completely…PAIN. Talk about a wake up call.

Naturally, despite the pain, I don’t stop running. I’m a runner. We don’t do that. But the pain forcibly reminded me that I need to allow myself to experience the run. I can and should be mindful of the moment and shift my perspective, bringing awareness to the here and now, and not the “what if”.

Funny, when I do that, two things happen. First, I inhale and my nose is filled with the sweet scent of pine. And second, as I push-off with my leg to run another step, the pain is not noticeable.

I realize that the pine scent comes from branches torn off tree stems during a storm last week; I see two pileated woodpeckers chasing each other into those very trees; the heat from the spring sunshine makes my hair stick to the back of my neck, when the day before, I was wearing mittens…all that I would have missed, if I had still been thinking about…what was I thinking about?

When I am mindful of the moment, I succeed. If I am working, I am productive and I don’t miss out because I am perpetually functioning with focused attention. When I am running (insert whatever you want here), I don’t miss out either because I am mindful of what I am experiencing at the time.

Try it. Let’s hope you don’t wait until your phantom pain brings you to a grinding halt. Choose mindfulness, choose to pay attention to the present.  Life can be profoundly moving and you don’t want to miss it. Enjoy the sweet scent of the pine.

Things that matter the most

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Well, the house is on the market and an offer is in. If all goes well, I’ll be out of this house that I’ve lived in for the past 26 years in mid July. Holy cow.  I wander around through the rooms, and memories spill into my mind and tears spill down my face. I think about Rory’s first days here, when I was learning how to be a mother. There was the time Jaime marked her entire body with blue permanent marker, but purposefully kept her diaper clean! I remember lying in bed with a broken leg, Olivia C. rushing in to hug me with tears in her eyes. Or morning coffees last summer with Olivia T. before we both went to work. I will miss all those moments.

Last week, while I was in Whistler, something happened that made me consider things that mattered the most. I was on top of Harmony Ridge with three friends, and they had already taken off to get to the big bumps in the bowl. I looked around at the mountains and they just took my breath away. Then I pushed off, and as I rounded a corner, there was one of my friends waiting for me. The mountains were spectacular, but what mattered the most was that he had waited.

Lori McKenna,  singer/ songwriter from Massachusetts (http://lorimckenna.com/) writes:

“My life is pieces of paper that I’ll get back to later. I’ll write you a story how I ended up here. Why the little things make us and how long it takes us, to figure out what matters the most. . . .”

Why does it take us so long to figure out what matters most? I don’t know. But I decided I should consider what mattered most from my Whistler trip, because all those little things reflect what is important in the rest of my life. Here they are. Some are serious, some sad, some silly, but all are meaningful. You might want to think about how they reflect the things that matter most in your life…

  • the feeling of joy that swells in my chest as soon as I see the mountains. That joy can’t be bottled or shared, but it makes me smile uncontrollably. How amazing is that?
  • standing in the village, laughing and singing John Prine songs at the top of our lungs with a street musician, and just for a moment, nothing else matters but the song.
  • going into Starbucks and after the second morning, the staff just took the mugs I was holding and gave me an Americano and Pike Place. To be remembered is a wonderful, empowering thing.
  • going to the bathroom at Horseman Hut, then heading down 7th Heaven, realizing I have to go again…and knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Kira will just say “Okay, we’ll stop and I’ll wait for you” and I don’t have to feel bad about it! How lucky am I?
  • my father’s voice on the phone when I call to tell him about my day, and to find that he’s been online looking at maps of Whistler so he’d better know where I was.
  • …and being waited for at the top of Harmony.
The power of friendship...so lucky!

The power of friendship…so lucky!

As I look at that list, I don’t see things like houses or money or anything big. Look at it yourself, and this is what you see:

  • a feeling of joy
  • a song
  • delight at being remembered
  • strength of friendship
  • love
  • a feeling of being valued

It is the little things that matter the most. And now, It is the memories that matter in this house, not the house itself. I can’t lose those by selling my house. It is the feelings, the song, the delight, the friendship, love and the value that matter from my ski trip. I’m no longer in Whistler, but I can’t lose those either.

I got home, then headed back to Ottawa for meetings. As I was leaving, my boss and one of my colleagues both hugged me goodbye. Those things matter the most.

“My life is green grass through the snow , a sweet reckless hope, and baby I know what matters the most”

Keep it PLAIN!

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There are two official languages you can use while working for the public service in Canada. And there’s one unofficial language. I’m doing some really interesting work with Natural Resources Canada (NRCan) right now and I was describing it to my Dad the other day. But I was using that third language and he had no idea what I was saying!

My Dad is amazing. He has a host of letters behind his name – two Bachelor degrees, a Master’s (actually, two, if you count the thesis that my grandmother threw out!), and a doctorate. He has been the Head Master/Principal of day schools and boarding schools in both Canada and the US, while serving as a minister in the Anglican Church. He’s no slouch.  We discuss the research I’m doing, the role of the media, about the way the Canadian government functions (or doesn’t), and I am certain many people would be hard pressed to keep up to his intellect.

I like it when he knows what I am doing, because he can always provide me with unbiased and critical advice without being immersed in the middle of a project. So the other night, I launched into a description of this NRCan program. And despite my father’s knowledge, wisdom and experience, it was really hard for him to understand what I was trying to explain. He’s really smart, but he doesn’t have a background that provides him a context for understanding this kind of stuff.

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My incredible Dad and my brother. Looks like Dad’s giving autographs!

I found I was speaking another language, a language that was based in jargon, acronyms and techie-speak that was difficult to translate. ARGH! I was becoming a jargon-head!!!

My father laughed and laughed as I struggled to communicate. It was his laughter that made me realize that if I was going to continue to work as a communicator in my consulting business, I’d better find a way to explain everything in such a way that my Dad, or my daughter or anyone not in the “industry in question” can understand.

A few weeks ago, Gail and I helped deliver the Ontario Parks Leadership Foundations Course. During that time, I met Bradley Fauteax, the relatively new Managing Director of Ontario Parks. I liked him for a few reasons. First, he loves single malt, so we’re bonded for life. He’s also got a music degree and loves to sing. Those two are enough to build a friendship on, but it is the third reason that got my respect. Bradley uses plain language. He speaks clearly, doesn’t mask anything in techno-babble, and as a result, his listeners pay attention…because he is easy to understand.

My friend Julie Towers is the same way. She is a biologist, field trials judge, single malt lover, fly fisher, and currently Executive Director of the Renewable Resources Branch of the Nova Scotia Department of Natural Resources. She has a multitude of talents, but her business colleagues tell me one of her finest talents is that she speaks and writes so that everyone can understand her.

Julie, using plain (sign) language!

Julie, using plain (sign) language!

I challenge you to look at a document, or at something you are reading or working on, and test it for clarity. Surely you and those in your line of business can understand it. But would my father? How could you explain it to him so that he does? How can you provide the context as well as the information?

Tonight, I’m going to tell my Dad about the plain language project that my friend and colleague Christina and I are going to work on for NRCan, and get his advice. I’m also going to pour myself a single malt, call Julie and see what she has to say.

I do love my work!

Leadership 101

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Have you ever done something that you knew, within every fibre of your body, was great? For many of us, that doesn’t happen often. We try to do our best, but things sometimes get in the way and our outcomes are limited by things beyond our control.

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Me, pontificating to the team…yet again.

Last week, I was one of the lucky ones. All the stars aligned and I was part of a team  who delivered the first Ontario Parks Leadership Foundations Course. 5 days of everything from asking and answering questions, listening critically, participating in “The Challenge of the Day”, guest speakers, story tellers…you name it, we included it in the course curriculum. And the outcome was great!

Gail and I were part of the team who designed the course, and we were asked to facilitate this initial event. 25 new leaders from the Ontario Parks organization were selected, and we put them through their paces. The timing was hard for me. I’m also doing some truly exciting change management work for Natural Resources Canada. I am committed to doing my best for my Ottawa team, so though my days were filled with leadership activities, my nights were filled with change management writing and research. By Friday, I felt like I’d been “rode hard and put away wet”.

But it was soooooo worth it. Every moment, from sitting around a table at a restaurant on Sunday night with people I barely knew celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, to standing in front of a room of new leaders and asking them…no, demanding, that they think critically, outside the box, and telling them I won’t settle for less than their best.

And they gave it to me.

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New leaders, thinking really, really hard!

Each day, I challenged them to write down and share their  3 most valuable “Take Aways” with me. Some were handed to me, others were shoved under my door at night, with each participants’ thoughtful input. I wanted to know what makes a great leader; what is unexpected about leadership; what does it take to really lead. Here are some of the responses:

  • Change is inevitable. Be prepared to adapt. You must, if you are going to lead.
  • Managing different personalities requires different approaches.
  • Ordinary people do extraordinary things when they are challenged, inspired and passionate; when they believe and are believed in; when they hit a barrier or when barriers are removed.
  • Exemplary leaders possess vision, courage and empathy.
  • Leadership is saying “no” sometimes.
  • Personal sharing from the heart will connect you with others.
  • Trust people and the knowledge and experience they have.
  • Leadership is about inspiring others to believe in themselves and be the best version of themselves.
  • Leaders are not above followers.
  • Anyone can manage, but not everyone can lead.
  • Don’t be scared to get out of your comfort zone.
A bit of shenanigans is always good for any course!

A bit of shenanigans is always good for any course!

I knew, when this course was over, that it was a great success. As I stood in front of the group, I shared my story. I told them that when I left the Ontario Ministry of Natural Resources, I walked away without looking back because the family that was the MNR was gone. Over that week, I found it again. It is in the eyes, ears, hearts and spirits of these new leaders in Ontario Parks. Ontario is lucky to have them. And I was so, so very lucky to know them.

Capitol Experiences!

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A person can learn a lot from three days in the nation’s capitol. I’m doing some interesting but unusual work for Natural Resources Canada, and it will take me to Ottawa fairly regularly for the next while. 2 mornings of running along the canal and 3 days of meetings generated a lot of learning opportunities for me. I’ve distilled them below, for your reading and learning pleasure. Enjoy!

Cab drivers can be amazing! Rory asked me if being in Ottawa improved my sense of nationalism. I told him it did, all because of a conversation I had with a cab driver. My driver was originally from Lebanon, hadn’t been home in years and missed it terribly. But his son is going to graduate from med school this summer, and his daughter is already a lawyer. He told me that coming to Canada gave his children a future, and he is so proud to live here. Chatting with him made me proud to be Canadian.

Eating alone in a fancy restaurant can be fun. Too often those of us who travel a lot spend our time ordering room service and working while we eat. This visit, I ended up going out alone to a wonderful Italian restaurant, Mama Theresa’s. It was busy with couples and groups, and as I sat at my table, people looked at me with curiosity and a perhaps a dash of pity. That is, until the waiter brought me a free glass of chianti, and waited on me as if I was the most important patron in the entire place. And as I sat sipping my wine, I couldn’t help but listen to the woman sitting behind me talk to her dining companion about her parents. They had moved from Budapest to Belleville in the 1950s, and she was so proud of their brave decision to leave home. It put tears in my eyes. I might have missed that had I been with other company.

Civil service working conditions are not glamorous. I spent one day moving from meeting to meeting, bouncing between cubicle to small, windowless boardrooms. The next day, I was in a government building that was built in the 1700s (I am only speculating here) and was filled with dust, darkness and mildew. The folks I am working with are vibrant, interesting and motivated people who have to do their work under these challenging conditions. If you work for private industry, you’d never have to work in conditions like that. These folks believe strongly in what they do to put up with those conditions.

Runners in Ottawa are TANKS! Either that, or I am one serious wimp. Each morning, I ran out to the canal and danced over the icy trails, wearing my IceBugs (http://icebugcanada.com/). I wore winter running tights, jacket, a wool cap and mitts. The Ottawa runners wore ¾ length spring tights, little ball caps and had bare hands! Perhaps living in the nation’s capital forces you to toughen up more than the rest of us. I was duly impressed.

Smiles are infectious.  Running along the canal, most runners keep their faces turned inward. Not me. My experiment involved smiling, no, beaming at everyone who dared make eye contact with me. Each and every runner I saw smiled back. Then the guards who work security in the government buildings? I grinned at all of them. Most of them now think I am certifiable. But by the end of my second day, I had a new friend behind the security desk who loved Stompin’ Tom and offered to be my escort in the building. Smiles are a valuable commodity. Use them well and use them often.

So when in Ottawa, listen to your cab drivers, eat alone, be vibrant, respect the toughness of runners and above all, smile!!!

This is the kind of grin that works!

This is the kind of grin that works!